You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
