Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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