You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
