There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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