i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
