pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
