Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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