just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
