I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
and i looked up. we had an audience...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
