I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
