he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
