i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
