How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
