omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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