so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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