I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
