what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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