The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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