if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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