Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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