Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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