you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
