I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
