Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
