apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
