Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
