I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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