Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
