Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
