So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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