I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
