You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
