I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
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Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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