he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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