Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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