I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
