I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
