I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Alive.
So much puke
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
