Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
