I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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