too bad you live with your parents still
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
