At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
