I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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