I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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