WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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