i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
