I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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