Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
