I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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