I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Rumble strips road head = magical
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
