I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
