my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
