Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm having to shit out rocks
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