We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
