In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
