I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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