new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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